Wanting

Me: Good morning Lord.

God: Hey Patrick. It is good to hear from you.

Me: Well, it has been a very interesting couple weeks. I have to say that. Lord, what would you say to me today?

God: Patrick, you are going to burn out.

Me: Burn out?

God: You are going to burn out. And I can’t wait.

Me: I don’t understand.

God: You flicker now and again, but I am waiting for the time that you burn out for good. You are burning to have things, to do things, to see things of the world in your hands. It takes a lot of work for you to have those things you want. Is that really what your heart desires.

Me: Honestly, I guess it is what I want in the short term. I have not figured out yet how to just desire You and let everything else fall into place. I know I run myself into the ground time and time again, and I want to give up on wanting “things,” but the desire is still there. There are so many cool things out there. It is really hard not to want. I have lived wanting my whole life. What is the cure?

God: The cure to wanting is having.

Me: You lost me.

God: How many children have you seen get what they want, and then they lose interest? Having what you want is the cure. And sooner or later, you will get what you want, and you will stop wanting it, and your heart will seek something else to want, and so on and so forth. So the cure is also the cause.

P: Well, that really isn't what I was asking, I mean, what stops the cycle?

God: If you are looking for the sunday school answer, you won’t hear it from Me. I want you to figure this one out in your mind, that’s what I gave you a mind for, son. You tell me what the cure is.

Me: Well, Your word says seek first the kingdom, and all else will be given unto “me.” I suppose seeking hard after the kingdom. But I still have not figured out what the “kingdom” much less seeking it out looks like practically, on a day to day basis. Sure, I understand praying, meditating, talking to You is all part of it. But I still have a hard time figuring the “kingdom” into the equation. Furthermore, I don’t really understand what “all else” really is. I guess it covers the real deep desires of our hearts. But I don’t really get this scripture. I feel like I have been seeking You for the last several years, HARD, and sometimes the financial whole I get myself into seems never-ending, and that affects me practically every day. So, the evidence of both sides of this equation are not balanced. I am seeking you, but all else is not being “given” to me. I feel like I am supposed to work for it, at least that is what I have been taught or taught myself, and on the other hand, the more I work to get things, the bigger the whole I dig for myself. So, you tell me, what am I supposed to do to end this cycle?

God: Quite an impressive speech. Patrick, will new furniture, painted walls, a new floor, a new car for your wife, etc give you peace?

Me: It would be really nice to have, but I suppose it doesn’t give me the kind of peace You give me.

God: So why do you strive after it so much? Don’t you see the pattern of the little child wanting something new?

Me: I don’t know. I don’t know how to stop wanting things. I have lived for so long not having anything. I guess I have come to believe that I deserve to have all those things that I never got to have. I don’t know where I got that idea, but I can feel the anger inside of me that I don’t have anything, and I see all of the people I grew up with and went to school with, they all have good jobs and they all can support a family, and here I am trying to balance a budget with my wife’s income and a little extra I make working at a feed store. Is it really wrong for me to feel disappointed God? Because I sure feel like I have done nothing with my life sometimes. I wasted 10 years of it in a stupid pursuit and now I feel like I am just futzing around with a bag full of potential and nowhere to put it to good use.

God: Patrick, think about the lesson I taught you about creativity. What is the nature of it?

Me: Love, and where there is nothing to love, You create something lovely and an object of your affection.

God: Right. Take your “bag of potential” and apply it to those things where you see a lack of potential. That is the kingdom of God. When you do that, the kingdom comes, and all things are given to you, because all things are attracted to the kingdom. What is it right now that seems impossible to you?

Me: That I will ever make money enough for my wife to quit teaching and be the mother she wants to be, or that I will ever feel like I contribute anything worth your approval to this world. I just feel like a disappointing person, like a bet that lost. I guess wanting things is the shot in the arm that I use to keep going.

God: That is precisely what it is. A drug. Do not be a slave to that drug, son.
Patrick, I know it is sometimes hard for you to see the truth of who you are in the context of where you are and what your current circumstance is. But all things on the earth will pass away, so your current circumstance at its very worst, is temporary. I Am the truth of your life, and I Am the creator of your heart. I know the plans I have for you, which are beyond your cheapest lusts or your wildest dreams and imaginations. My son, keep seeking Me. Not so that you will get the things you want. Seek Me, because I am better than anything you could ever receive on earth. You have not begun to scratch the surface of the kingdom, and it is right at your fingertips. Keep seeking, boy, I created you to find it, to find Me.